


Not this one

by LowkeySelfLoathingLove



Category: Black Mirror (TV), Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Reality, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 13:08:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17601947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowkeySelfLoathingLove/pseuds/LowkeySelfLoathingLove
Summary: Different realities exist. We go back and think on them, our decisions. But we can't avoid the inevitable. Sometime's even when you're not ready for a certain path it'll hit you straight in the face regardless of what you wanted to happen or what you planned for.This is what happened.- C.R





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't write but Bandersnatch has so much writing potential. I want to delve into that world a bit with this. 🤙🏻

“Should I ask why I'm here?”

Stefan fumbled with his coat while tucking his shoes to the side of the entrance. His eyes followed Colin's calm movements as he continued to walk further into the apartment.

“That's all up to you”

Wasn't much of an answer but he'd take it nonetheless.  
“Follow me”  
A hardness formed in the lads throat while following the blond into another room of the house. Stefan shuffled into the dim room, lights a calming pink and blue within the corners of the space.  
“You need to relax” Stefan gave a soft smile to that.  
“I mean, I agree”  
Colin's shoulder's bounced for a moment at his reply, Stefan feeling his chest tighten at it. Colin gestures to the long seating.  
“Get comfortable” A task in itself though Stefan obliged. He sat there fumbling with his fingers watching Colin collect a small wooden box. The man sits down across from him in a spinny chair and as soon as the lid opens Stefan is a little more in the know.

“Pot?”  
“Mary jane”  
Stefan nods slowly watching Colin carefully roll paper between his long fingers.  
“Unless you don't want to partake.” Stefan shrugs.  
“I've never really gotten high before”  
“I'll guide ya”

His words felt so confidant, safe and well known in Stephen's world. Colin leans over letting him have a better look as the man rolls up a joint.  
“She's pretty small” Stefan shrugs.  
“It looks good”  
Colin nods with a soft satisfied smile. Tucking the box aside the blond clicks open his zippo, placing the joint between his lips.  
“Inhaling will be a bitch at first” That's what Stefan had figured and he didn't want to embarrass himself with coughing. Colin interrupts again.  
“I'll make it easier for ya”

Colin stands up now, Stefan watching as he walks around towards him. The blond hits his drag like he usually does, having kept the smoke in his mouth before sitting next to Stefan. Close.  
Soft exhale.  
Smoke lingers around them.  
“Take it slow”  
The rolled herb was held in front of his lips gingerly as he continued to stare at it with anxiousness. After a moment of thought Stefan places his lips to the bud, sucking slowly until he felt comfortable enough to inhale.  
“Good”  
Colin adjusted in his seat eyeing over the other man while he cleared his throat after exhaling.

“It's...Okay”  
The blond softly nods requesting his joint back without word.  
“Get’s better”  
He knew that, hoping for it to kick in sooner rather than later.  
“Does it feel weird?” Colin takes a moment to reply.  
“I think you should gauge that for yourself”  
Another long hit taken before being passed back to him.  
He watched as the other leans back into the sofa softly, watching over him as if keeping a close eye. Stefan sucks in, getting used to the tingling burn in his throat.  
More comfortable, more relaxed. A rhythm in his chest forming. That was clear. A little disturbing if anything.

“People don't need drugs” Colin rings in after some quiet time between them.  
“We seek them out. We want them for their healing properties.” Stefan just hazeley nods at him.  
“What about prescriptions?” The blond presses his lips in a line for a moment.  
“Not the kind of drugs I'm talkin about. Those are necessary in most cases. Most brain chemicals need help to be produced” That made him feel a little better.

“How are you feeling?”

Stefan was almost a little blindsided by the question.  
“Good” Was all he could mutter, and he wasn't lying either. He felt comfortable, muscles relaxed and even his fidgeting subsided temporarily.  
Comfortable.  
“Good to hear” Colin rises before stopping at his words.  
“How are you feeling?” Stefan could tell that this was most likely a new thing to hear for Colin. The brit looked him down and nodded.  
“Pretty good. But not baked” He smiles a little almost involuntarily.  
“Let's get baked then?” Colin was the one to smile next as he was passed the joint.  
“I like your spirit”

A gentle saunter towards the glass pane balcony window gave Stefan a sort of unease as he watched the man gesture his head towards it.  
“Stand outside with me, Stefan” And as if I'd never happened that anxiety subsided momentarily at the words spoken to him. A familiar warmth. Stefan rises to follow suit as Colin pulls the door open taking a drag. The two men step onto the cold pavemented porch area, Stefan’s first move being to hug against the now closed door.  
“Afraid of heights?” He shakes his head.  
“I don't know” Colin's just nods stepping and resting against the railing, watching him as he continued to speak.  
“I just don't feel safe”  
“Fair enough” Hitting the drag before holding his hand out Stefan watched as the cloud swerved in the wind. He again takes his turn casually, slowly warming up to the idea of being on a high balcony.  
“I just feel like I might fall” The blond hums a soft laugh.  
“No one's jumpin’ tonight. Not the plan” Stefan sighs out his turn with a sense of relief.  
“Thanks” Colin didn't say anything but in turn leaned his elbows onto the railing.

“It's freeing being this high, metaphorical and literal”  
He nods stepping close to the rail, the cold stoned pattern feeling nice on his clammy hands.  
“I can get that” He offers his hand over, warm fingertips touching against his momentarily for the weed.  
“Do you use drugs often?” The reply was fast.  
“Often enough” Stefan nods again.  
“I wouldn't consider it addiction, that's what cigarettes are for” Colin takes his turn with face having flushed a soft pink from intoxication. He still seemed so collected.  
“Freeing the mind is essential to our existence, regardless of methods. Continuing on being stuck within our minds can drive us mad, if we're not already there.” He paused looking lazily at him.  
“That's what recreational drugs are for”  
“I think I agree” The blonds brow cocks up before turning his body to face towards him.

 

“Your opinion regardless of my own is important” Stephen knew this and smiled for a moment.  
“I know”  
“Good” The two had kept a soft silence while taking turns. Stefan feeling comfortable, relaxed and pretty high once he let the drug take him. He leans against the taller mans shoulder, the arm that wrapped around his shoulder though unexpected felt very welcomed. 

“I'm very alone” The brunette mumbled out, he just wanted to talk. Talking felt natural.  
“Hopefully not anymore” He looks up at Colin.  
“Hm?”  
“I'm assuming a programming livestyle doesn't leave you with much time to socialize. Friends. I get that” Stefan appreciated the honesty though not exactly what he meant.  
“I have some friends...Just...Lonely” Colin just nods, pulling him closer to his side.  
“Romance?” He understood now.  
“Yeah…” Colin's frame inhales softly before letting himself relax.  
“I get that” Stefan lingers on the words for a moment, leaning over to look down at the ground. The feeling of being pulled back softly brought him back to the conversation.  
“Didn't you have a girlfriend?”

Colin paused, almost as if searching for words. He’d yet to see the man phased but this was a rare case.  
“We tried it out, I just couldn't be the man she needed.” He sucked up the last of their shared paper.  
“Kitty's still very close to me however. Can't let her go in the grand scheme of this reality”  
Stefan took the information in for a moment.  
“Why didn't it work out?” Colin smiles softly with a small shrug.  
“Well I ain't particularly the straightest brod around mate. Women are still beautiful but it's…” He watched him pause for a moment's time.  
“Complicated”

He absorbed this in for even longer. He doesn't run into bi people often, though it's never really crossed his mind either.  
“You like boys?” Stefan sighs out a soft chuckle feeling as if his question was riskey to ask. Colin nods.  
“Ooh, Big time” Stefan snorts softly at the reply he'd been given. Colin took his arm back before resting his rear against the rale.  
“Freeing” He mentions, and regardless of its true meaning Stefan still got it. Got him.

“How'd you know?” He fumbled with his hands, head feeling light and wavy.  
“It’s a feeling mate. You just know, ya feel?” He didn't know if he did, but Stefan agreed to it regardless.  
“Once you figure yourself out everything else becomes muted.” Colin starts as he rests a hand against the mid of his back. It sent chills.  
“No one can say shit about you because you know you. They can't break that.”  
He was guided back into the apartment now with the gentle push of the blonds hand. Stefan’s thoughts tumbled around in his scull for a bit as Colin continued on his rant. Find yourself. Be yourself. Fuck what others had to say. Be happy.

“The system will break you if you let it”  
He couldn't disagree to that. He was sat down again on the same couch. Colin beside him with legs being tossed over its back rest.  
“Kissing guys…” He started with the attention now on him.  
“What's it like?” Colin just laughs quietly.  
“Like any other kiss”  
“What's that like?” The blond gave him a look almost miffed at the sentence. His hand reaches up, fingers closed and making a come here motion.  
“Ya ain't ever kissed a girl huh?” Stefan shrugs his shoulders while being drawn towards the demanding hand. 

“I want your first kiss then”  
Stefan swallowed roughly looking him in the eyes through his thin frames.  
“But you're high, I don't wanna take advantage”  
“I'm shocked that that's what you're stressing about, Stefan” He had a point. There was more things to be concerned about but with the offer infront of him he felt almost compelled to try.  
“Okay”  
Colin's smile softened a bit. Stefan watched as he was looked over by patient eyes. Hand stabling on the arm rest now he hovers above the man. Clearly, anxious.  
“No pressure. Don't think, just do” It was good advice he'd have to admit.  
Stefan blinked a few times letting Colin stare into him. While eyes were addictive Colin was the one to break the eye contact.  
“Sorry-” Colin refused to accept that.  
“No need”  
Stefan appreciated this. He watched Colin put his attention back onto him, he had gotten close. Stefan froze up before feeling small chapped lips against his own. It was soft, very sweet he thought before they left him. He stared down at the man who'd continue to stare into his eyes for a moment. Almost unsure of what to say.

“What'd ya think?” Stefan swallows before answering.  
“Really nice” Colin's lips press together for a moment as he nods.  
“Good” He perks back up as Colin sits as proper as he could with legs over the couch. His body felt as if warm and cozy, head light as it was before.  
“Let me show you what I'm workin’ on” and like that it was as if nothing had happened, the night continued on as normal as you can get while high. They talked a lot, laughed. Stefan within the night was tucked in on the couch by the blond. 

This is when Colin started to think.


	2. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dosen't look pretty, again I ain't a writer so sorry folks 🤷

He looked down at Stefan blankly, the cuddled up comfortable expression the guy had tickled at his throat in the worst way. He knew why, though admitting would mean defeat. He wanted to keep connection for once.  
Colin kneels down to get on the other's level. Sound, peaceful. A good look on Stefan he thought. Adjusting the blanket to cover him more Colin then and only then had to call in for the night.  
He wanders off into the main area, looking around his dark apartment. The dim place didn't phase him as he made it into his room without issue, leaving his door open as usual before practically throwing his body into bed. It was cold, the sheets thin and unwelcoming. He clears his throat before rolling onto his back, eyes closed and glasses crooked on his face. He slept that night, yet uneasily. This wasn't the reality he intended to pursue.

He woke up, eyes snapping open to a hushed yelp within his apartment. Unsure of what had caused it he slides himself out of bed to investigate. Everything was bright and still in the apartment now, a contrast from last night. He walked through the doorway where Stefan was resting and was met with eye's scared and frantic staring right at him.

Stefan looked stiff and shaken thoroughly. Colin watched as his chest heaved before considering his voice.  
“You okay Stefan?” He didn't get much of a reply other than a still head shake from the other.  
“I see” He sighs taking steps towards him. Maybe he didn't want to talk about it, though he'd assure he'd at least offer some comfort. Colin sat down near the other mans feet, looking at him above the frame of his lenses. The other took his time to explain.  
“Y-You fell” He watches as his hands gripped the blanket again and again. Frantic, scared  
“I'm here” Colin felt sympathy towards the man's distress.  
“Like I said, not the plan this time.” Stefan made eye contact, slowly nodding to agree and settle his racing anxiety.  
“It just felt so real. I saw you and I let you just…”  
“Not your fault” Colin offers a hand out to the other which after what seemed like some consideration Stefan finally took, squeezing it tightly.

“I'm sorry” 

The words lingered in the air silently as Colin refused to accept an unnecessary apology. He had no reason to be apologetic. He squeezes the lads hand for a moment before letting it go and getting up.  
“I’ll fetch you some food” He adjusted his red loose over shirt that hung lowly across his back back onto his shoulders before turning back to Stefan at his words.  
“I'm not hungry” Colin didn't really listen as he rolled his head back towards the direct he'd originally wanted to lead.  
“I reckon you ain't eatin much by the look of you” He wonders into the small kitchen space, nothing special. A small bowl of cereal for the each of them, both with a different type to give the lad some choice. Colin turns and looks at the man standing tiredly in his work rooms doorway, blanket still clung around him loosely.

“Flakes or Puffs?” He holds up the cereal with its dedicated name as if to entice the idea.  
“What do you want?” Stefan asks.  
Colin sighs, heading over to him instead.  
“Life's about choosing and decision making for yourself” He then holds the two bowls in front of him to Stefan who looks down at them. Hesitation in his hands while he grabs the frosty bowl.  
“Not a hard choice” Colin offers up a small smile as he moves passed Stefan back into the room. He sets his bowl down by a chair set that resided in the corner near the balcony doors. Sitting with a heavy thud he ruffles around in his pocket. Lighter, lightly crumbled rolled cigarette.  
Perfect. 

He lights this before taking his time nursing the thing in his fingers. Placing the bowl in his lap Stefan slowly joins him on the other seat a front of him. The two ate without too much conversation in between, spoon clinking was as much that echoed the room. Colin with half his smoke gone offers it over to the other, to which was declined with a wave of a hand and an assuring smile. He nods, taking his last hit before putting it out against the ashtray he'd set under the chair.

“When are you kicking me out?”

Colin's brows raise for a moment with lines forming on his forehead.  
“Those are unflattering words” The puzzled look on the others face made him elaborate.  
“You can stay for as long as you need” He raises holding his hand out for the others bowl, setting it inside of his own.  
“You're my guest, Stefan. I don't chase people out of my home” He hears footsteps softly trail behind him as he trailed off to the kitchen.  
“My home is healing grounds for the body and soul. For me and those who decide to come by”  
He turns to Stefan when he sets his dishes into the sink. 

“How are you feeling?”  
Stefan stared at him for a brief moment before shrugging.  
“Good?”  
“Better?”  
“Maybe…”  
Colin crosses his arms over his chest letting himself sigh out loud.  
“Reasonable. What's caught your mind mate” Almost as if it were natural Colin reaches a hand out to touch Stefan’s but was met with it being taken back instinctively.  
“A lot” His voice came out mildly cracked. Jumpy.  
“Okay” He puts his hands up half heartedly with a smile.  
“Well if you want to talk about it sometime, I'll be back around seven” And like that he moved passed the shorter man, making his way to his room before hearing Stefan again.  
“You're leaving?”  
“I am” Colin turns and leans against his door frame for a moment.  
“A man's gotta work” Shutting the door Colin hadn't taken long before returning to the main area with fresh clothes and hair that had seen a better day. Stefan was sat on the couch, still bundled up in the blanket he'd dragged around since waking up.  
“Don't burn the place down while I'm gone” Checking if he had his keys on hand Colin sauntered through the hall to the front door.  
“What about me?”  
Colin slips his sneakers on.  
“You can do whatever you would like. Leave, stay. My healing space is yours”  
And like that he was gone, off to the same ol building as usual.

The day tugged on long though. He sat bored and almost out of the zone while huffing back smokes as if he'd depended on it.  
“You got anything done?”  
He leans his head back, blowing smoke into the man's face much to his displeasure.  
“Artist block” Mohon rolled his eyes at the very mention.  
“Fine. Just make sure you-”  
“Get it done by the deadline. Got it.” He took his moment of defense and shrugged.  
“Have I failed you on that promise, hm?” He shakes his head.  
“It'll be finished, just need to run more code” Pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance the man leaves his work space. With a sigh of relief he stares at the time. Five fifty.  
Colin decided to call it in for the day knowing full well that he wasn't going to get much done here anyway. Home is where he wanted to be. Or in the clouds, whatever comes first. He locks his computer up for the day, taking his leave and waving off to whom deemed appropriate for a farewell. 

Walking seamed to take forever. His apartment wasn't far but anxiousness fell into his stomach. What for was unbeknownst to him other then the obvious. Running a hand through his hair he admitted to himself that he lingered his thoughts to Stefan. Primarily wondering if he were alright, when he left the house, if he'd eaten ect. Uncharacteristic, sure but he knew self restraint when needed. Especially since this wasn't the reality for it.

Home. A sense of ease washed over him. He wanted to get high and forget that ache in his chest but as soon as he opened the door, something was amiss. Shoes from the day previous had stayed, untouched.  
“Stefan?” There was no way he was still here. Unlikely. Strolling around to get a good look it seemed like the lad wasn't in the main area nor his work room. Colin fiddled with the hem on the blue shirt he'd worn before opening the already creaked open bedroom door. 

Stefan was sleeping. Curled and bundled up to the nines in his white sheets comfortably. Colin stared at the sight almost stunned but managed to come back from it. He was primarily taken back by the fact that the guy was still here. He didn't want to leave. Walking beside the bed he continued to look down at the brunette.  
“I don't suppose you want to be woken up?”  
He waited for a response and was a little surprised to have gotten one.  
“Am awake”  
His voice came out groggy yet laced with a comfortable tone. Colin watched him open his eyes to look at him, raising and propping himself with the palm of his hands.  
“Sorry, I was tired” Nothing like a good ol depression nap he thought. He could relate in a sense.  
“Nah, Glad you made yourself comfortable” Colin starts taking his coat off and tosses it to the stand up mirror.  
“Going to the work room” More of a statement than anything else as he took his leave. He knew full well that the other had slowly started to wander behind him, following. 

“Pop quiz” He starts, turning sharply to Stefan who almost bumps into him.  
“You're welcome to stay as long as ya like. But why didn't you leave?”  
He watches as Stefan considered his answer.  
“I just don't want to go home” It felt like a confession from him. Colin nods sucking in his bottom lip for a moment, thinking.  
“Don’t you have meds to take?” The man's eyes widen before settling to the floor. Jostled.  
“Yeah, but I'll be fine. I just…” He waited patiently for the rest of Stefan’s sentence.  
“I need to be away from my dad for a bit. Just another night”

He started understanding now. Colin nods again slowly, holding his hand out in front of him a bit.  
“Well I can't argue with that”  
Stefan stares at his hand for a bit before looking back up at him.  
“What do you want me to do?” Colin considers for a second as he withdrawals his hand. Feeling almost naked with the lack of action on the other's part.  
“I want you on your meds. Maybe have some clean clothes. Essentials.” Stefan slowly nodded in agreement. He could only assume one can live in one set of clothes for so long.

“Can I come back if I go home to grab some of my things?” Colin almost laughs, nodding his head over as he took lead.  
“I said I ain't kicking you out” He retrieves his keys from his pocket, tossing them in the air casually.  
“I'll walk ya there. We’ll make it a trip” Stefan didn't protest the idea though instead followed him down the small hall.  
“That'd be nice, yeah” He sighs out through his nose as he slips his shoes on.  
“Cool”  
He locks the door now, Stefan still adjusting his convers to tie up properly beside him in the hall.  
“Lead the way” Colin motions his arm down the hall letting the other take lead, feeling weird about his choices as of recent.

Stefan felt dread swell into his chest as he lead them out of the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately you can't expect me to update this fast offten. I post chapters once I've started working on the next one in advance.  
> That's a trend that'll go to a hult soon. You'll see why soon enough.


	3. Just leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao sorry 🤷

“Down this street here”  
“Looks cozy”

Stefan didn't want to go home as of yet, the only sense of relief being that not only would he not be staying in that house tonight but Colin had joined him. He felt exposed once they reached his front door step although. He lets himself in after messing with his keys.

“It's nice” Stefan only nods at the compliment given. He almost went without taking his shoes off before he started to climb up his stairs.  
“Really ready to go, hm?”  
“Yeah” He replies hearing Colin's footsteps come up the stairs with him after some time. He hadn't come across his father yet, relief taking in now while he swings the bedroom door open. Swiftly finding a dingy bag he starts packing. Packing whatever clothes and other things he may need. Stefan wasn't sure when he'd want to be back but not for while was all he knew.  
“Cute computer” Stefan wasn't sure if that was an insult or a compliment.  
“Thank's. She's a goodie” after packing away the last of his frantically decided essentials his interest was peaked.

“Bandersnatch?”  
He turns to look at Colin examining a book on his computer desk.  
“Yeah” He continues to give his attention to the other.  
“It was my mother's. Haven't finished it yet though” He walks over to Colin watching him flip through a few pages. Stefan slides the book to himself, tucking the book into his bag with his belongings.  
“It's fascinating, really”  
Looking over his computer desk he shrugs his shoulders before continuing.  
“I'm actually thinking of developing a game based off it” Colin looked at him in a strange way, but it only lasted a brief moment.  
“Give it some thought before you decide to dive into it” He wasn't sure how to take this but Stefan smiles softly with agreement regardless. Colin's was the expert after all, he knew what he was talking about.

Stefan left Colin to wander his bedroom while he made a more collected walk to the bathroom. The cold tiles made the hair on his arms stand as he maneuvered to the sink. Fingers laced around the medicine cabinet as he stared at his own reflection for a while. So tired...touching the side of his cheek he lets out a soft sigh. Medication. Right. He's gotten the cabinet open now. Eyeing down that orange bottle again. A bit of struggle to actually will himself to want to take it.

“Stefan?”

He'd just set his hands on what he needed. The last thing he needed before hearing the familiar voice ring in his ears. Stuffing the thing in his bag he frantically zips up his backpack, slinging it over his arm. Stefan rushes out of the bathroom.  
He stops, frozen as he stared down at his father at the bottom of the steps. Their eye contact only lasting a brief moment before he averted them to the floor.

“Where'd you go last night? You didn't call”  
Stefan swallowed roughly letting his thoughts race for an answer.  
“I slept over at a friend's house” His father looked over him with furrowed brows.  
“What friend?”  
Stefan figured that when the other emerged from his room it was his que of sorts. He watched as Colin rested his hand against his bedroom door frame, swinging around it casually before looking down at his father.  
“Colin Ritman”  
A sarcastic hand was given out as if for a shake. “Nice to meet you Stefan's father” 

He felt like he was going to throw up in that moment. Explanations were needed but he just needed to leave. Stefan watches his father climb the stairs looking at the blond with that stern expression he held onto well.  
“Peter” His father introduced and shook the other man's hand once he'd gotten to their level. Stefan just stood there silent as the interaction took place.  
“Peter”  
Colin repeats giving a firm shake of the hand. Colin turns his attention to him now and he wasn't sure what kind of look he was given. So calm, collected. He felt more confident knowing he was here with him, feeling as if not cracking under pressure.

“You're packed up. Are you leaving again??”  
He swallows.  
“I am, yeah. Just for a little while” His father nodded to him slowly, looking over to Colin again.  
“Where abouts do you live?” Stefan audibly sighs gaining the attention again.  
“Dad I'm an adult for god sakes”  
The blond cocked a brow at his choice of words, Dad only having crossed his arms with a less than impressed expression. He gave a pause as if thinking through his options but was clearly fed up already. Stefan knew that it was his fault.  
“Fine, go have yourself a vacation or whatever you wish to do”  
“Fine!”  
Heat budded in his chest forcing that angry tone out of him. Peter steps aside from the stairway and he took this as his chance to get the fuck out of here. Didn't want to hear it, didn't want to deal with him. 

“Take care of that boy, god knows he needs it” His father mentions to Colin as he follows him casually down the stairs. He didn't get to see the blonds reaction since he'd kept quiet, but knowing him he didn't want to cause an uprise. Stefan waited impatiently for Colin to slide his shoes back on, fiddling with his hands as he felt the stare of his father burrow into his skull. He refused to give him that attention.  
“All set”  
The other stands up and Stefan pulls the door open letting him exit first, he didn't want him here anymore. As he went to close the door his eyes catch his fathers for a brief period of time. They were stern, clearly hurt as he just stood there at the top of the staircase. He didn't want to think about it.

He slams the door shut and leaves.

The walk back probably would have been a quiet one if not for the fact that Colin seemed to want to talk.  
“You two seem to get along”  
Stefan kept his eyes to the pavement while they walked.  
“Oh yeah. We get along great”  
“Clearly”  
Feeling a hand rest on his shoulder he jerks away from it without hesitation, but it felt wrong to have done so.  
“Hey-hey” Colin with ease in his voice only rose that heat out of Stefan.

“WHAT!”

Stefan stood his ground and averted his eyes. He didn't mean it. He didn't want to look at him as his face flushed hot with a mix of embarrassment and frustration.  
“Hey-”  
Stefan tightly shut his eyes as his body stiffened up. Almost sure he was going to get a lecture of sorts. Instead he was pulled into comfort and even though he wiggled to avoid it he eventually let it happen.  
“Settle down. You're okay”  
For one reason or another Stefan felt his heart sink into his stomach. Throat just aching before a choked up sob came from it. He gave up the act, pressing his face into the other man's shoulder blade and braking down. Colin just hugged him tightly, brushing a hand over his hair to sooth him but it'd only made him cry harder. He was held there for as long as he needed, tears soaking into the man's shirt while he finally wrapped his arms around him. Hands gripped the fabric. He didn't want to be seen, just wanted to disappear.  
“I don't even k-know why I'm crying”  
Stefan sniffled back his snot trying to put together words.  
“I'm sorry-”  
“It’s okay, shh”  
He felt Colin push his head gently back to his chest. Fingers lacing through his hair before resting at the base of his neck. This felt very protective and while Stefan didn't really understand this sort of comfort he was thankful nonetheless.  
Stefan wiped his face again, having calmed down more now that his head was a bit more clear.  
“Better?”  
Colin chimes in softly. He looks up at him, nodding slowly with a big relieved sigh. Eyes stinging and face a hot red from all the emotion.  
“Yeah”  
“Good to hear”  
He feels the other rub his arm once their embraces parted. Colin guided him into walking again, actually getting somewhere.

“Hey” Stefan starts after some time.  
“Hey” Was the reply he got.  
“Thank you”  
The response took a bit to come but he waited patiently for it.  
“Anytime Stefan.”  
He trusted in that.

And Colin trusted him too.


	4. Drawers

The two made it back to the appartment unscaved. The conversation low energy and easy between the two of them. Just so easy to be with him he thought walking up the stairs to his place. One moment Stefan will be patiently listening to him the next he'd snort a laugh at his own jokes and remarks. It felt right. And it was almost to say peaceful. Colin shimmied the lock before being granted entrance into his home, the space now dimmer as the sun begun setting.  
“What time is it?”  
Colin flicks his wrist to take a gander at his watch.  
“Bit past nine” Straight cut answer though today felt incredibly long he'd have to admit. Slipping his shoes off Colin drops his keys at the entryway table, walking in and sitting on his couch with a heavy thud. Worn out, tired. The usual.

“So”  
Stefan started slowly trailed behind and softly sat beside him.  
“You bring up a good point”  
Stefan snorts a soft laugh at his response, the pitter patter of his chest hitching for a moment.   
“Hungry?”  
Stefan shakes his head softly.  
“Not really” Colin hums pondering for a moment while leaning his head back, arms spread against the couch behind Stefan’s back.  
“I'm pretty beat admittedly” He turns to Stefan who continues to stare at him patiently.  
“I'm gonna smoke up and probably sleep.”  
“Sounds good”  
Colin rose up now to do just that.  
“Want to join?”   
He watches Stefan shrug with a soft smile.  
“I'm okay, I think I'll sleep”  
“Right”  
Setting his hands against his hips Colin looks around the place.  
“Crash wherever you want then. Get comfortable.”  
“Thanks”  
Colin lingers his walk over to the light switch before looking back at the other. He switches it off, the moonlight illuminating small parts of the apartment.  
“Night”  
“Night” Stefan muttered out while scuffling through his bag.

Colin sighs out into the air once in his work room alone. Running a hand across his computer desk he eventually gathers his small weed box and sets up. He hadn't taken long before lighting up and relaxing to the best of abilities. Sleep never comes easy, he dreads this. Lying awake in bed without a fogged up head for hours is almost a nightmare in itself. His throat burns; he coughs. Bad hit.  
“Fuck…”   
That's enough, he puts out his nearly finished blunt feeling the haze under his skin. Colin rubs against his temples with his hands now. He needed to lay down, that much was obvious. 

Moving through his house that now was washed over with darkness Colin fumbles with the closed bedroom door. He groans, rubbing his face roughly before feeling a sting in his chest. The initial scare subsided as he realized who occupied his bed. Stefan, again, was coiled up in his sheets. Comfortable, quiet. Again he wasn't completely sure how to respond.  
“Stefan”   
He considered for a bit as he watches over the other man, watching his frame rise and fall softly. Couldn't be helped.

Slowly and with ease the blonde joins in bed on the opposite side. Another sigh now as he lays there practically deaf from the quiet. The soft ringing in his ears being disrupted when he feels the bed move. Turning he hears Stefan turn towards him, snoozing away just fine which was a nice sense of ease. Colin turns on his other side now. Overcome with curiosity and want for a blanket he reaches over, curling a finger into the fabric Stefan had just been holding. It came with ease thankfully.  
Colin pulls this blanket on top of him as the bed shifted under him. Comfortable yet on edge. The blonde tries shutting his eyes after taking his glasses off and just sleeping but even with heavy eyes it just didn't seem to come.

The bed moves again, coaxing him into opening his eyes again. Stefan had shifted onto his back, arms sprawled out beside him. Colin stares at the hand presented to him and almost without thought he slowly goes for it. Running his hand up the sheets he softly rests his hand within the other man's. They were clammy, cold yet felt so right against his own. The tips of the other man's fingers curled on top of his loosely. He hadn't realized but after that he went out like a light not too long after.

“Colin?”  
He shifts a bit.  
“Hey”  
He felt himself be shaken softly, eyes fluttering as to adjust to the new light in the room.  
“What” He mumbles out groggily against Stefan…  
His body jerks suddenly noting this closeness they had. Colin was curled up under Stefan's arm, hand's still interlocked before he gingerly takes his own back.   
He hears Stefan laugh under his breath.  
“Didn't take you as the clingy type”  
“M’ not”   
Hiding his embarrassment under a curtain tone Colin sits up casually. The bed bounces as the other does the same while he stretches out, popping his back in a few places.  
“Gross” Stefan comments with a warm smile.   
“My knees are worse” The response was given another laugh from the brunette. Colin swings his legs over the edge of the bed.  
“Morning by the way”  
He decided to just brush the incident off as if it didn't occur.   
“Afternoon”

Stefan wasn't wrong. He peers over to the clock on his table while shuffling through his dresser. Yeah, it was one in the afternoon. A soft white shirt was pulled out before he turns to the man who'd just looked at him.  
“Sleep well?” Pulling his old shirt off over his head he fiddles with the collar before tugging the new one on.  
“I did…” Stefan slowly maneuvered onto his side of the bed.  
“What's the story behind that scar?”  
Colin tenses up before pulling out another drawer for an over shirt.  
“Just surgery, mate”  
A soft hand pressed against his back for a moment.  
“Can I see it?” He thinks for a second.  
“Don't see why not”

Colin retrieves a shirt, shutting the drawer and turning to Stefan. Stefan was already reaching to pull the shirt up. He watched as the other rested the shirt just past his nipples, looking over the two scars that decorated his skin. Faded pink arches under his bust line.   
“Got your kicks yet?”   
He felt Stefan try moving his hand to touch them but instinctively grabbed his hand, slowly moving it away while looking him dead in the eyes once given the contact.  
“Sorry-” Stefan mumbles.  
“Don't be. Just not a touchy kinda guy”  
Stefan gave him a look at his words but disregarded it completely   
Letting his light grip go from the other's hand he pulls his shirt down before dressing properly.  
“Goin’ for a smoke”  
Almost as if in a small rush he left the other man to his room alone to do his own business.  
He knew he'd needed a moment to cool off.

And there he was. In the same room as he always lingered to when he needed his space. Long couch and drugs awaiting him as usual. Colin pulls his computer desk drawer open to make himself a set of smokes for later and lingers his eyes on his stash. He had bought his bulk for the month and was almost aching to use them. Stefan was the only barrier of that. His arms felt as if they were shivering as he just stood there staring at the drugs, almost unable to decide or move.

“Colin?”  
His eyes flicked over to see Stefan standing in the archway of the room, a sense of concern overcoming his expression.  
“Yeah?”  
His head perks up as he now gave more attention to the other, hand pushing the drawer a little bit.  
“What you up too there?”   
“Debating”  
The answer was quick and confident as he fixed his posture now.  
“Might want to trip later tonight” Pulling out his papers and nicotine the drawer was shut audibly before sitting in his chair. Stefan walked over to him and he felt his stare over his shoulder.  
“Like, drugs?”  
Colin just nods.  
“Yeah, been a while”  
That was a lie. 

He'd finished up his smokes before letting one hang from his lips, lighting up and leaning his body back into the chair. A soft relaxed sigh escaping him before a chin rested on his head.  
“Whatcu’ doin’?” Stefan hummed in reply and Colin sort of understood. He'd let him hangout there with him as he continued to take his hits. Though he did want that bit of space, just in case.  
“Go take your meds”   
He hears the man sigh.  
“What are you, my father?” Colin huffs a laugh.  
“Thankfully not”   
Stefan stood up and spun the chair so they'd be face to face now. Colin clammed up for a brief moment as he felt Stefan look right into him.  
“You alright, Stefan?”

He wasn't sure how to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao sorry


End file.
